I used to write a blog on here under the same name. I stopped writing it because I had a stalker, but it was a person I knew and after they attacked one night when I was out drinking I decided not to write for a while. I was also in a relationship with a man name Jason who was not very kind. For a year I let this man manipulate me and treat me like crap. I allowed him to call me names and I even looked the other way when he would constantly go out with other women. I am proud to say that with the help of my best girl friend I broke up with him and I never looked back. I was depressed for a while but I went out with a few guys and yes, I even slept with one or two, but then something amazing happened. I went out with this guy Victor who was a jerk. He had me meet his son who adored me and I slept the night over only to have him say he wanted to die and break up with me. I actually didn't care at all because I will admit that I pretended to be much nicer than I actually am to get him hooked. I have always admitted that I can be rather cold, but I still believe I am a nice person and of course I have feelings. I tend to write people off easily in my life, but I maintain that I do this because I actually care way to much and sometimes in the past I allowed people to abuse like they would an animal they deemed weak and kick me around while I the ever loyal dog would forgive and keep running to them as if they were feeding me life giving sustenance.
A great thing came after Victor he had this friend on Facebook I will call him Jay and Jay was this sweet loving man who was charming and kind, but he was also DUM DUM DUMMMMM married. Jay was in a horrible marriage to a woman who would emasculate him and lie, but he had also found out that now she was a cheater. After weeks of him and I talking about trivial things we started to go deeper emotionally with our talks and soon it became sexual. He and I had not met all we had done was talk and text but one day he sent me a naughty picture and I suppose the rush of it and how sweet he was really hooked me because he actually seemed to care about me. I didn't forget about him being married or having two kids. I did however, remind him that he didn't want his kids thinking that the way his wife was treating him is the way a woman should treat a man so he moved out and started legal separation.
I don't want anyone thinking I am a home wrecker because before me he had already decided to leave and remember he and I had not met. His wife was insane she had actually physically hurt him and then had one of her friends borrow her car telling him that it was stolen and he had to make a police report. She was trying to get him to make a false report, but I had a feeling she would do this based on her actions that he had told me about and had him wait on the report when she realized he wouldn't do it her friend brought the car back. His wife began noticing that he and I were friends and when he left she accused me of sleeping with him something I wasn't doing. She began to call me and contact me online and other ways saying she was jealous of me while I told her to calm down. If she had been willing to stop acting crazy he probably would have stayed with her and for a time I even tried to convince him to give it a shot until she started calling me a whore on facebook on his page then I told him he was doing the right thing. Around this time Jay and I met and I will say that I fell in love with him that night or maybe it had been the months we had been talking and the way he made me laugh. He drove seven hours just to come and see me which is something that made me feel special because I knew he wasn't doing it for sex. I reminded myself that he was starting to go through a nasty divorce and I wasn't about to be a rebound and since I had gone through some horrible relationships I felt very untrusting. The funny thing is he was a NICE GUY and not my type. He was the type of guy I would dismiss. Perhaps it was because I was older or because I was sick of dating assholes but I fell in love with Jay and while we kept our relationship a secret even after they went to court because his ex wife is nuts and I had no desire to have her in my business. Jay and I moved in together and while I am happy to report he still loves me there is still drama to be had and sadly I am not as happy as I should be because I am getting older and while I never wanted children or marriage I realize that now in my life I do. His children have told his family and me that they want me to be their mommy because I am nice and I don't yell or call them names. I would bathe them and read them bedtime stories and at night if they had a nightmare I would run to them. They even started calling me mommy which I of course told them they couldn't because it would make their real mommy very sad. I would never try and replace another woman or mess with her and her children because there are some things you just don't do, but sadly I can say she is a horrible mother and is even being investigated by social services for being neglectful of them. The kids school called because she was sending them to school in dirty clothes and not bathing them. Even with all of Jay's ex-wife's lacking mother skills I still would never try to replace her as a mother. I did fall in love with the kids though and it reached a whole level in my heart where love is concerned that I didn't even know I had taking care of them. When a child falls down and cries but wants you and only you it does something to you and makes a person feel like the most special they have ever felt. Taking care of them was difficult though. It is a full time job and I can't tell you how many mornings I woke to be completely exhausted. Still I never raised my voice to them and if time out was necessary I always told them their weren't bad afterward but that they couldn't break the rules and I would explain why we have said rule then I would tell them I love them and give a kiss and hug. I did this because at times they were so scared that they would be screamed at because that is what their mother does. The most difficult thing is I had to remember they weren't my kids and so my longing for a child began. Jay wants a child with me in the future but I long for one now. I feel as my birthday gets closer and the number thirty lingers over me that I am wasting time. I am still not married and I do know that we won't be getting married anytime soon in fact if he ever brought me flowers home I would probably have a heart attack, but still I long for these things. It is now 230 am and while he sleeps in our bed I am awake wishing I had something a little more. I suppose that is a problem I have always had in relationships I always want something more. I long to have what I cannot have. A few weeks ago I took two pregnancy test and they were positive but sadly about a week later I started to bleed and then I got a negative on the pregnancy test. Maybe this is the reason I want a baby so badly now or maybe it is because I have a man that loves me and would never cheat on me. He is very loyal and even though he lacks the words to express how much I mean to him every night he kisses me and tells me he loves me as he holds me in bed, yet I face the problem so many women face. I long for more.
